🏒 Official Merch of the Artificial Hockey League
Jerseys so good,
they're illegal
in 3 beer leagues
The official merch of the Artificial Hockey League. 32 teams. Zero real talent. Maximum drip.
League Favorites
Bestsellers
Simple as a slap shot
How It Works
Pick Your Team
Choose from 32 of the most dysfunctional hockey franchises ever assembled. Each one worse than the last.
Choose Your Variant
Home, Away, or Alt? Pick the colorway that matches your personality (or lack thereof).
Rep Your Squad
Show up to the rink, bar, or grocery store repping a team that doesn't exist. Assert dominance.
Real Reviews, Real Legends
What Our Junkies Say
“Bought the Pucks jersey for beer league. Ref asked if it was a real team. I said 'more real than your calls.' Got a 10-minute misconduct. Worth it.”
Biscuit Beautyson
Bakersfield, CA · Bought: Bakersfield Pucks
“The Krakheads away jersey is so filthy my wife made me hang it in the garage. Now the garage is the coolest room in the house.”
Clapper McSnipe
Yakima, WA · Bought: Yakima Krakheads
“Wore the She-Devils jersey to a Devils game. Got more compliments than any actual Devils jersey in the building. The mascot even took a photo with me.”
Dangle Berries
Hoboken, NJ · Bought: Hoboken She-Devils
Join the Junkies
Get early access to new drops, exclusive deals, and content that's funnier than your slap shot is hard.
No spam. Just heat. Unsubscribe anytime.