🏒 Unofficial Merch of the Artificial Hockey League
Jerseys so good,
they're illegal
in 3 beer leagues
The unofficial merch of the Artificial Hockey League. 32 teams. Zero real talent. Maximum drip.
Featured team
Arlington Crap-itals
The Arlington Crap-itals promise they'll fix it next season. They mean term. Dumpy the Bald Eagle of Broken Promises presides over The Filibuster Forum, where Congressional cafeteria mystery meat sliders are the concession of choice and every line change gets debated like a Supreme Court nomination. This jersey comes with zero accountability and bipartisan disappointment.
Easier than a beer-league breakaway
How it works
Pick Your Team
Choose from 32 of the most dysfunctional hockey franchises ever assembled. Each one worse than the last.
Pick Your Poison
Home, Away, or Alt? Pick the colorway that matches your personality (or lack thereof).
Rep Your Squad
Show up to the rink, bar, or grocery store repping a team that doesn't exist. Assert dominance.
From the locker room
Voices of the league
Fictional endorsements from the Artificial League. Verified customer reviews are coming as the first orders ship out.
Testimonials from our fictional players
“Bought the Pucks jersey for beer league. Ref asked if it was a real team. I said 'more real than your calls.' Got a 10-minute misconduct. Worth it.”
Biscuit Beautyson· Fictional character
Reppin’: Bakersfield Pucks
“The Krakheads away jersey is so filthy my wife made me hang it in the garage. Now the garage is the coolest room in the house.”
Clapper McSnipe· Fictional character
Reppin’: Yakima Krakheads
“Wore the She-Devils jersey to a Devils game. Got more compliments than any actual Devils jersey in the building. The mascot even took a photo with me.”
Dangle Berries· Fictional character
Reppin’: Hoboken She-Devils
New shop, real guarantees. Secure Stripe checkout, printed-to-order production, flat $5.99 shipping, and a full defect replacement policy on every jersey. See the fine print.
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